The Beauty of it all.........

It has been over two months since I have written on this blog and my how my life has changed in those two months. It’s hard to write about something or life when your not even really sure what has or is happening. Life is beyond funny; life is amazing, exhilarating, challenging, beautiful and so very unpredictable. There are simply not enough adjectives known to man to even try and describe this crazy thing we call life, but it’s happening, right now, today, whether I can find the words to describe it or not. I think one of the most important things that we must try and do in this grand adventure is simply, learn. Learn from our mistakes, our accomplishments and the life's of others. We must learn and just simply keep going and most importantly, through this process of learning and living, we must always see the beauty that is around us. For it is there all the time, in our darkest days, in the times when we just don't understand anything, beauty is there waiting for us to take it. When we take the time to find this beauty, it helps us to make sense of it all, it helps to make it all acceptable and easier to understand. Even today as I start to try and explain the events of the last two months, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. I cant help but think of the overused cliché "life is what happens when your busy making plans", but it does seem very applicable to my story. Just to put all the cards of the table, things haven't worked out the way I thought they would with my Belize adventure. Now that I sit back and try to catch my breath and find some solid ground, it is apparent it was a struggle from that first day I arrived in Central America. Nothing seemed to want to work out for me. Every day was a battle with everything I tried to do. Two tropical storms and hurricane Richard were major players in this crazy tale. We had decided to try and open a dive shop on the Island and I had found an investor who was going to back this part of the operation. The first tropical storm that headed that way scared him out of the deal. It was very crazy that Belize had not really had that many storms and hurricanes over the years, but they all seemed to head right for me. Once the dive shop deal was on the rocks, then my main investing partner decided to pull out as well. At this point in the game, I did not blame him at all, I knew it was the sound and logical thing to do. But, it left me in a really tough spot. I was knee deep in following a dream and woke up one morning feeling like I was knee deep in quick sand. The second storm that came through the Island did some damage and the owner was dragging his feet about getting things fixed. I knew this would mean that if things were to keep going, I would have to put up more money to keep things afloat. And now being the sole investor of this project, the clouds really came floating in, the proverbial kind. I knew at this point I needed to call a time out and decide if I was going for the hail marry, or was is it time to drop back and punt. Since I am laying all the cards on the table here, I am now down to the one card that holds more weight than all of them, the queen of hearts. Before I left for Belize, I fell in love. I have always said that I am not sure if being a hopeless romantic is a blessing or a curse, and today, Im still not sure. This is a complicated chapter of the story, one I am not sure I will ever fully understand. What I do know is that I have been blessed with having the most amazing, loving, beautiful person I have ever met come into my life, strangely, right as I was walking out the door. That queen of hearts weighed heavily on my soul during those times in Belize. I was constantly asking myself the questions, " do you want to live in a tropical paradise perusing your dream ALONE, or do you want to try and see what could happen with this and maybe, just maybe it would really turn into the one thing I have wanted more than anything my whole life.

So, with all that being said, I am here back in the states. I am going to start working again and sit back and try to make sense of it all. The Belize dream is on hold right now and I am currently taking in all the magic of the wonderful city of New Orleans. Over the last three months, I have gotten so many emails and comments about the inspiration and hope I have given others from my adventure. I hope all of this and all of these cards on the table have not let anyone down, or taken away from anyone wanting to take a chance and make something happen in their life. As everyone knows, sometimes things just don’t work out the way we thought they would, but more often than not, that’s a blessing. As someone once said, "Life is change, growth is optional".......we must choose wisely.

To be continued.........

Black babies in the blink of an eye........

I have found that it is incredibly hard to maintain a blog about my experience in Central America thus far, regardless of my intentions, for my reality changes so dramatically from hour to hour. Every time I think I have handle on whats going on, my world changes in the blink of an eye, like a bill board going down the interstate, you see it coming and then in a blur its gone, only minutes later having forget what you saw and now focused on the next one. Its a strange existence when everything changes so much and so often, everything being unkown, leaving me wondering, what in the world have I done. There seems to be no givens here, nothing is concrete and you can not count on much of anything. Internet, gas, accessing cash, milk, air conditioning, cell phone service, things we all take for granted, are here one minute, gone the next. There is a reason that people don't sell all their shit and move away to third world countries very often, thats because its hard, real hard. If it were easy, there would be a McDonald's somewhere around here. I have been here three weeks today and I know that I am a completely different person than the one who boarded that airplane in Lafayette. This is a new Shannon, one who is pushing himself and testing himself daily. I like that process and the results that seem to be coming from it, "that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger". As I sit here typing this, I hear the waves of the Caribbean crashing onto the beach below my house and I have to smile and know that at the very least I can say, I am making this happen. But at what cost? Are the things and people I left behind going to haunt me all of my days and nights, regardless of how blue green the ocean may be.

There is a young couple on the Island, AC and Julie. I met them about a year ago and we have stayed in touch weekly ever since and have become very close. They were very instrumental in making the deal I have now with Gaviota happen and they are currently living in the resort now sort of running the place for me for this month while I get everything set up and ready. Upon meeting them over a year ago and telling them what a great couple I thought they made, I began encouraging them to have a baby. I told them I always wanted a little Belizian Baby. Well, today they tell me they are pregnant and........(hold the phone), they want me to to be the God Father of the child. How could this be possible? How could it be that today I was maneuvering a 26' boat out to an Island, feeling somewhat like a pirate, in a country 1000 miles away from home, only to find out once I got there, that Im now a Paran to a little black baby. Once again, I blinked.....and my whole world changed..........My oh My, inst life funny......

Raining cats and parrots

The days seem longer here, although I am aware of all the things that fill my brain with such intensity that allow me to get lost in the span of an hour, only to snap out of it and wonder where in the hell am I. This is the first day I have had to sit and try and to make some sense of all that has happened in the last month. I wished I could rewind the tape and examine it more closely. But I know at this point in the game, looking back does no good. It can be a challenging task to not look back, for everything in front of me is so foreign and unknown. I think at this point, I need to introduce the cast of characters making this happen. My Business partner and good friend, Shannon Hooks (referred to as Hooks from here on out for obvious reasons) and I are doing this whole deal. Hooks is keeping his job in the states and will travel here on his off time. On a prior trip to Belize, we met Rachael Lebeter, who was previously a history teacher from Australia. However, now she is going to be a managing partner with us at Gaviota. We Met Rachael on a boat leaving Tobacco Caye, she is going to be a key player in making this all happen. Rachael left today to go back to Australia to be with family and friends before we start this undertaking.

I ended up buying an Isuzu Trooper. Its old and fragile, not much to pick from down here unless you want to drop some coins, and, you always get what you pay for, especially here. In fact, often times you get far less that what you pay for. The second day I had the truck, Rachael and I were on our way to Dangriga and the truck broke down. But, what kept it all in a good place, or good as could be, I broke down in front of the mechanics house. Also, anyone will tell you, getting parts for cars in Belize is hard and takes a long time. That was my biggest fear when this happened, that it would be weeks before ole blue would run again. And I had so many things to get done that would require a vehicle. But the Universe took care of me, I called the man I bought it from and within an hour he had the parts flown into Dangriga and we were all set. Rented a little truck until the trooper is ready. This consisted of handing a guy $200.00 and he handed me his keys...and we were on our way. This morning Rachael had to be at the bus station at 6:00 AM, it was raining cats and parrots and the road was flooding, we barely made it, but we did. I dropped her off and was headed back to Hopkins. About two miles out of town, I hear that lovely sound of a flat tire and think surely, this isn't happening. But it did. So, in the pouring rain, I get out and start changing the tire of someones car I didn't even know. As I'm almost finished, I look back to see the Bus that Rachael is on and as it goes by, it hits a puddle and drowns me. I just sat down in the road, in the rain, in this strange beautiful country and laughed at the sky........

"from the late eighteenth century onwards, it is no longer from the practice of community but being from a wanderer that the instinct of fellow-feeling is derived. Thus an essential isolation and silence and loneliness become the carriers of nature and community against the rigors, the cold abstinence, the selfish case of ordinary society"

Raymond Williams, the Century and the City

Journeys are the true catalyst for deep thought. Few things in this world are more conducive to internal conversations than that of placing yourself in a far away place, where you are familiar with nothing, not even yourself. There is a quaint correlation between what is now before my eyes and the thoughts I am able to have in my head. Thinking improves when parts of my mind are given other task, such as listening to music, or planning the things I will soon create. These things distract that practical part of my mind which is inclined to shut down when it notices something difficult emerging like a monster from the sea. But...I can do this....I am.

Cliff diving for pennies

Two days here in Belize, as a resident and Im not sure I will even be able to find the words to describe it all. Its just to big, to much to even process, let alone write about. The internet is much like the cool ocean breeze, not here as much as I hoped it would be, but getting that fixed and will be better about writing about this adventure and staying in touch with everyone who has been emailing. Getting on that plane in Lafayette was tough, I really had to suck it up and reach way down deep. I remember when I was young and was at Hamiltons pool in Austin, back in the day you could jump off the cliffs. I was with my life long friend, Scott White. Here we both were on top of this cliff, neither of us sure we could jump. As the crowd below began taunting us, a girl walks up and calmly walks to the edge and dives off the cliff. The crowd below went nuts, we had no choice at this point....so we jumped. Getting on the plane felt just like that. I could taste the fear in my mouth and it tasted like a copper penny. All the while praying that that was not going to be the sum value of all my decisions. Trying to weigh what lay ahead to that of which I was leaving behind was impossible, and overwhelming. To make matters even harder to understand, I will say now, I fell madly in love in the month before I left, that was the curve ball that life had thrown me. I have still not figured that one out, but of all things in life never to be figured out, Love is on top of the list. How could life tease me with something I have wanted forever, as Im walking out the door. Once again, I thought of jumping off that cliff.....and I thought about that penny. And as that plane took off and I watched all that I knew and loved fade away into little specs out of the window of that plane, and all I could do was hope that nothing ate the bread crumbs I was dropping to find my way back home some day. My first day was taxing and incredibly frustrating. Nothing went as planned. The bank needed more documents, things I didnt have, my PO box wasnt ready, my belongings are stuck in customs; I felt like I was going to scream. But then I was reminded by a local couple, slow down, get used to it. Look out on the ocean and remember why your here. Its the American mindset I have to get rid of first. I am a foreigner here, they do things on their time and at their pace. Getting used to this will be a good thing, and, I have no choice, this is Belizian time. I Still have not found a vehicle, I dont think there is a jeep in Belize. Looks like Im going with a Toyota forerunner. Tomorrow I go to the Island, that will be a whole other world.....

Let me end this post by saying, amidst the frustration, the fear, the heat, the sand flies, the sadness from leaving the girl who has my heart.....I will say, its all good. I know this is where I need to be. I will figure it all out, I will make it happen. This morning while sitting here writing this, drinking my coffee and looking out over the Caribbean, this strange bird that looked like some kind of parrot flew into the tree in front of my porch. Its song was hauntingly melodic, and I wondered if this was some kind of a sign.......all the while, these words kept running through my mind....."Totto, were not in Kansas anymore".......

Whimiscal Magic

I can truthfully say, I am not aware of another 30 day period in my life that would rival the last 30 as far as just simply being unreal, for a lack of a better word. I am not even at liberty to really even discuss all that has happened to me in the last month. Out of respect for protecting the innocent, I have no choice today but to be vague and evasive. But I assure anyone who reads this, its has been unreal, more like, surreal. Life never ceases to amaze me and I cant help but think of that overused cliche', "life is what happens when your busy making plans". All of my senses have been pushed to their limits and beyond, causing me to explore new regions in my cerebral cortex, looking not only for answers....but questions as well. I often fight off the urge to grab a knife and carve in the wall of my hotel room the number of days before my departure, counting them off one by one, slowly and meticulously, like the days until an escape. Time moves slow in the land of uncertainty, each moment masked by the belief that it surely can not get anymore confusing than this; but with each clicking of the clock, once again I am proven wrong. By no means am I playing the proverbial fiddle, this is my etch-a-sketch and I'm the only one turning the knobs. I have always wanted to write a book and life just handed me a great story....mine.
Now I sit in my hotel room, looking for weapons that will help to fend off these illusionary demons; continually coming back to the realization the remote control doesn't do much good in fear based warfare. I do find myself staring at that flat screen of high definition indoctrination, realizing that it as well is something I will soon say goodbye to, for there are no TV's where I'm headed. It almost seems like a scene from the twilight zone, to think that soon I will walk down a corridor and board a craft that will soon after land in a place of which I have no real memories and where no one really knows my name. But its not possible to dwell on that for very long without the realization that before I land in some far away place, I must take off from the place that does hold all my memories, and holds all of those I love so dearly. There is a whimsical magic that is easy to get lost within as I contemplate the imagery of my adventure. And as my mind pans over the possibilities, both good and bad, at the same time flashing back through the events of the last month, I am left but with one thought.......Buckle up, its going to be one hell of ride.

Having come this far........

Today was a big day, even though most of my days in the last two months have been big. But today it was all done, it has all come together, everything is sold, contracts signed, and now, all that is left of all the things I used to own, is on a ship headed to Belize. What a strange and liberating thing it has been to rid myself of everything that has taken 40 (+) years to acquire. However, I was as close as I have ever come to having a panic attack as I looked at the pallet on which all of my belonging were stacked in plastic boxes that reminded me of legos. All that is left now for me to do is trust my ability to make this happen, that is the only answer left on this multiple choice test the Universe has given me. The winds of change are blowing and Im about to raise my sail and point my bow towards the unknown. Fear is not welcome in my head anymore, its to late for that, there is not room for both of us.

For now........I think of the words of James Broughton;

Having Come This Far

I've been through what my through was to be
I did what I could and couldn't
I was never sure how I would get there

I nourished an ardor for thresholds
for stepping stones and for ladders
I discovered detour and ditch

I swam in the high tides of greed
I built sandcastles to house my dreams
I survived the sunburns of love

No longer do I hunt for targets
I've climbed all the summits I need to
and I've eaten my share of lotus

Now I give praise and thanks
for what could not be avoided
and for every foolhardy choice

I cherish my wounds and their cures
and the sweet enervation's of bliss
My book is an open life

I wave goodbye to the absolutes
and send my regards to infinity
I'd rather be blithe than correct

Until something transcendent turns up
I splash in my poetry puddle
and try to keep God amused

My back yard

Just a quick update. Got back from the last trip to Belize before the big move. Went straight to the Island when I got there and it did not go well, at least at this point. The deal was starting to have some problems, then, upon closer inspection of the buildings, I found more problems. I was supposed to stay for three days on Tobacco Caye, after one day, I was ready to go. I was scared and panicking that none of this was going to work out. I decided to go to the main land and look for house. Which went amazing. Found the coolest house in between Hopkins and Sittee River. Its two bedroom, huge screened porch, dock, it is perfect. Then I get a phone call. The owners of another resort on the Island heard my deal was getting shaky and the wanted to meet with me. Long story short, it was a match made in Heaven. They are the cutest little old couple and we all knew it was meant to be. They own a place that is running, doesn't need much work and has a Marine Research station on the grounds. The potential is huge. I got tears in my eyes when the meeting was over knowing the Universe was guiding me exactly where I needed to be. The last piece of the puzzle did not fall into place until the morning I was leaving. I found the perfect boat. Its a 28' deep V, with a 200 Yamaha. I could actually go back to Louisiana in this boat if I had to. I got home only to find some craziness that had taken place with my home here. Now I am packing my stuff, staying in a motel, dreaming of my new adventure that lies only weeks away. I hope everyone will start planning when they are coming to visit.........

all the things we should have done

With all moments of finality, I think as humans we often fall into thinking of all the things we didn't do, all the areas in which we fell short. Such as when someone dies, often times our thoughts are consumed with what we didn't do for that person, instead of thinking about all of things we did do. Being at a major cross road in life, and choosing one path, can often do the same thing. It all reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies of all time, Lonesome Dove, when Captain Call was sitting in the room as his life long companion, Gus was dying in front him. Captain Call begins telling Gus about things he wished they had done and Gus grabs a bottle of whiskey off the table and says, " Woodrow, this ain't no time to start thinking about all the things we should have done.....Its been one hell of a ride my friend".
So today, I will try hard not to think about all the things I should have done. But, will focus on the reality that today I have to live as though its my last day, love all that I can, make a point to see all the beauty around me and give thanks, be kind to all, practice forgiveness with everyone and anything, make peace and most importantly, let everyone know I love them........Gus was right, its been one hell of a ride.

Dream Chasing 101

I have decided to start writing about this monumental change that is coming about in my life. Maybe one day I will reflect back on this to remember how it all began, or maybe to use as a road map to figure out how I arrived at where ever I am. Tonight I sit in this big old, empty house lost in thought. I have sold most the things that I own, the things that within them, my identity has been kept, neatly folded like a pair of socks. Now, weeks before I actually leave for Belize, I sit alone in this house, overwhelmed with emotions. Doubt, fear, uncertainty, excitement and anxiety all seem to fight for my attention. Thoughts fly around my head like the debris from a tornado, never really knowing whats about to come crashing through the window. Wondering if tomorrow I will wake up in Oz, and if so, will there be a yellow brick road to follow. I know I am following my heart, I know I want to make a new life, write a new chapter. However, the thought of leaving all the people I know and all the things I know, at times seems larger than life. Dreams can be strange bedfellows, tempting us with their grandeur, but sometimes not listing their full price. At times there is so much we don't realize thats lost in the fine print and when you give up your life to follow a dream, you never want to get visited by the repo-man. They say right before you die, your mind is filled with visions and thoughts of all the good things in your life that stand out in your memory. I think making dramatic changes in your life can often do the same thing. I know in the last weeks as I watch my belongings be carried off in trucks and trailers, my mind has been flooded with memories that make me smile. Oh what a good life I have lived, not so much in maybe that I was the best person I could have been, but, I have had an amazing life. So tonight my thoughts echo and bounce off these barren walls and I ponder what life has in store for me as I manifest my existence. All the while knowing, dream chasing can be a risky business.